Pain

I’m not saying I’m nervous right now
but I’m hurting.
cos when I say my nails are bitten to the quick, I mean it.
as a child, I bit until they bled,
found comfort in the pain.
I am someone who deserves to hurt
so I did.
cutting and burning and carving my way into oblivion
– an addict, jonesing, waiting for my next fix

now, with the slate far from clean,
I pray for absolution
fight the compulsion
ignore the cravings

but there’ve been so many ‘last times’ I’ve lost count
fifteen years of roads paved with broken promises and disappointments
and still, I deserve the hurt I cause,
so why should this time be any different?

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